some more english jokes

>And now for some more of those wonderful notices that appear all over
>the world helpfully translated into English for us poor fools who can
>only understand our mother tongue.......
>
>Cocktail lounge, Norway:
>LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
>
>At a Budapest zoo:
>PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
>TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
>
>Doctors office, Rome:
>SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
>
>Hotel, Acapulco:
>THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
>
>Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES
>AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,PLEASE
>CONTROL YOURSELF.
>
>Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
>WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
>MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN
>TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
>
>In a Nairobi restaurant:
>CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
>
>On the grounds of a private school:
>NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
>
>On an Athi River highway:
>TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
>
>On a poster at Kencom:
>ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
>
>In a City restaurant:
>OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
>
>One of the Mathare buildings:
>MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
>
>A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
>DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
>
>In a Pumwani maternity ward:
>NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
>
>In a cemetery
>PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
>GRAVES
>
>Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
>GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
>BED.

>
>On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
>OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
>
>Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
>PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
>
>Hotel brochure, Italy:
>THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM

>ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
>
>Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
>THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET
>THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
>
>Hotel elevator, Paris:
>PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
>
>Hotel, Yugoslavia:
>THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
>CHAMBERMAID.
>
>Hotel, Japan:
>YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
>
>In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
>monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN
>AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
>THURSDAY.
>
>Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
>NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF

>ASCENSION.
>
>Taken from a menu, Poland:
>SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN
>THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN
>THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
>
>In an East African newspaper:
>A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
>THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
>
>Hotel, Vienna:
>IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
>
>A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
>IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
>OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
>TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
>
>Hotel, Zurich:
>BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
>IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
>PURPOSE.
>
>An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
>TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
>
>A laundry in Rome:
>LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
>TIME.
>
>Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
>TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
>
>Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
>WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
>
>In a Swiss mountain inn:
>SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
>
>Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
>WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
>